great abyss. great a-bliss, not two.

a puddle that reflects the sun
a piece of paper with my name on it
(my name on it?!)

must my spine be aligned to sprout wings?

i write here because the words fall heavy and need a drain;
far from home. this page exists anywhere.
this is not polished writing, but a splashed journal entry from the ponds of my soul.

soul. karma.

there is still tension in my thigh,
and my jaw remains tight.
yes, to answer Kerry's question from years ago, I am anxious.
I continually hold myself in defense mode.

so i know these defenses of mine now, and where from they came,
the atmosphere of my childhood was continual anxiety, defense, and blame.

i know i chose my parents,
that i have lessons to learn through this lifetime.

and here i am now; looking around, all i see is perfection, safety, the undulations of life
with eyes open and hearts open: Love!: yes, here is wonderful, and i am grateful, feel blessed.

but still,
i have no confidence.
i am defensive. i judge, and project judgements from others onto myself.

Why do i write this?
why do i want to share this?
what good is airing my dirty laundry?
why do i want to write so? (and yet cannot ) ??

sigh.
tears well again.

i know i am working through it.
i realise too that while i distain my mother these days
my healing and her healing are entwined.

as rugged and common as a stone.
i am, and wish to be.
i like to look at flowers.
roses for confidence! to be boldly beautiful!
i like simple things, i can be simple,
as rugged and common as a stone.

there is much more to be said tonight:
rivers to run
knots to untie.
But the words have left me
into space,

i will walk home,
winding roads, windy, rainy, stormy night.
thinking of stories of women,
of nothing,

and there is something more -
audience, you, i can feel the reader...
there is something more i wish to add or leave space for for you -
please let me know if you know.