dismal autumn

Ontario expresses itself cold and rainy, held to gravity, with everything moving down towards earth again.
I am depressed, again. Dismal and abyssmal, tears hover just below the lid line. It all rings hollow, my head tells me.
To put things into context, it is not so bad- not near so bad. I have a sweet home, money to spend, a supportive lover, ideas and resources.... and maybe that is what makes it so bad: that with all of this, I am still so upset, feeling empty and needing more.

I am in transition now. I have moved from a sweet home with amazing friends, to a less inspiring locale. I knew that this would challenge me, and it is. I knew that I would be challenged by my partners busy-ness, by having to sculpt my life with cleaner lines this time, by surviving myself through this. I feel left out. Invisible.
My childhood occured way out of town, in the woods, and developed in me a deep-seeded complex about being left out, outside of the world, outside of the swirlings of society and life. I felt invisible. In all the dreams I remembered I stood, still and silent, while the dreams took place around me. In all aspects of my life, I have held myself as though I was invisible. I did not realise this to really deal with it until the last few years. In doing a 10 sesion Hellerwork set with Lexi.... well, all of living on Cortes really... painting with Annie, the Linnaea garden program, etc, that it came to the light. So I am aware of this big button.
Still, I cultivate situations where I isolate myself for comfort, then crumble for feeling isolated and alone.
I know I am not alone in this. (ha ha.) And I know that I am connected and loved despite my own alienation. I know I am where I am meant to be at this time, and that with my self awareness I will pass through gracefully. Returning like a leaf to Earth, and no matter how far I blow, I am the organic matter which gives life to other roots.