process witness integrity peace

"when you enter the sacred circle, you never know what is going to happen."
Jean said when we were talking about the ceremony.

i sit here grumpy grumpy shakey scowly, waiting for the school to clear.
but you know, this time i do not fight myself on being anti-social, this time; i am liberated to be so.
finally, beating on myself less.
I have found much peace in process painting, bodywork, love; in walking, in the process, letting go, movement;
integration, integrity, integral:
to bring it all together, to be consistant with beliefs, necessary.

i bounced into parallel structure there, and i am hoping that people can follow the little equations of words. it is hard to talk about everything without speaking in koans, and nonsense.

we are in process of getting married. we will be married in 12 days. people arrive in 10.
we are creating a sacred event, and inviting people to witness it.
it feels a bit strange, but more so, solid and true and sweet.
the whole process of it, it being the relationship...

(being the time we've spent together, what we have shared, our immediate progression towards marraige. the process is it. the journey to where we are. to talk about it as a noun is impossible, yet i do wish to sum it up somehow, put it in a sentence and honor it.)

... has been sweet and steady and true.
unjudgemental. sparce, lush, and colorful.
playful. tearful. present.
i moved through a lot of stuff this winter and it feels good.
Love is integral to that.
integral. integrated. integrity.

and Love, capitalized like that, makes me feel the estatic, sacred, worldwide Love,
what Rumi speaks of
that Love that is our greatest resource
and that is a force.

and that takes me back to witness.
is a force; it makes me think of when Kili and I went to Channel Rock after the Blue Quarter show in November.
it was the next day and i sat out on the seashore.
a vision came to me of a huge mushroom cloud of luminous-white Love-force columning up at the moment we consumated our vows. the radient fallout sparkled on the whole lower mainland, and made everything just a little bit healthier.
cheesy perhaps, but powerful.
i let it go right away, and i hold on to no expectations for it now,
but the idea that i am chosing faith, trust, devotion, surrender, to live In love,
i want to believe,
reverberates and makes the world a better place
.
two more people surrender to love; everybody soften a little bit more.

and bearing witness is asking people to get involved. allowing people to be involved.
you know,
i had some really clear thoughts on the importance of the witness,
but now they are nebulous again,
and i am drawn into integrity, integral and integration; witnesses, helping loving people, are integral to life and they exist every where, we are all witnesses to each other and that in itself is sacred. gorgeous.

it feels good to write.
it feels good to try and express these tanglings,
even though i now firmly doubt my abiltity to express myself.
well, no, but with writing i still have a lot of blocks.

and the process of writing a ceremony
has brought a lot of that up.
Kili and I challenge each other, gently.
an anvil to forge myself on.

oh, tired. i am tired tonight. and emotional, pissed off that i have to wait here and ....
momentarily
that wash of emotion, patience ebbs,

and back to being present here.
patient.
the night will go on,
all will unfold,

and i have confidence in my peace,
faith in our love to pull this ceremony off sacred and bright and true,
so all our witnesses can enjoy and leave richer, that we can maintain in grace,
and that somehow i will be able express myself, truely.